Happy Holidays 1996

From Sped to All.com

A Brief History of Sped, 1995-96 edition

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The Story so far: God creates the universe or life spontaneously appears, your choice. Shane C. Erstad is born. The Air Force Years. Beach. High school. Adopts the persistent nickname "Sped". Jamestown College. Europe. As this installment begins, employed at Great Plains Software in Fargo, North Dakota…

1995

January Wakes up in a bad mood that will last for, … well, pretty much most of 1995.

May Gets a haircut and resigns from Great Plains Software in the same afternoon. Both actions were generally considered to be about three months past due.

June How to deal with personal Internet addiction and dissatisfaction with current computer career: Become a Webmaster! Moves back to Jamestown, North Dakota and begins employment at Northern Prairie Science Center.

July Some Guy: "I think I'm going to hit that guy." Keith: "Don't hit him; that's Sped." ……… Sped: "Keith, I think that guy back there hit me." Keith: "No that guy didn't hit you" … Looks at Sped … Keith: "Holy Cow Sped, I think that guy back there hit you." -- from "One Summer Too Many at Detroit Lake's Overhyped Underfun Independence Day Bash"

September Decides that 70 hour work weeks are not that bad when working on a worthwhile project. Northern Prairie's World Wide Web page (www.npsc.nbs.gov) is officially announced to the free world.

October Quite possibly the only person in America to have ever attended a professional production of Shakespeare's King Lear and a White Zombie concert in subsequent weekends.

November Theory: Of all the years in one's life, the Prime Numbers are by far the worst. Sped is thankful to be turning 24.

1996

January The headlines: Government Shutdown in its 21^st Day. The truth: Sped caps off a marathon 21 day roadtrip that takes him to Wyoming, Wibaux, Minnesota, and all around. Spends time watching Pulp Fiction seven times, skiing the bumps, sleeping wherever the brown blanket and yellow pillow end up, and generally enjoying life for a change. Watches Headline News every day or so to see if the shutdown is over and he must finally report back to work.

February Hamburger helper, $.99! Pizza Corners, 2 for $7! Mountain Dew, $4.99 a case! Who says young single guys don't know how to cook?

April Realizes that he has lived at six different addresses in the previous 23 months. Current address: 1507 11^th Ave. NE, Apt. 21, Jamestown, ND 58401.

Intermission 1: 1996 Wedding Statistics - News and notes from a year chock full of weddings

10	Number of wedding invitations in calendar year 1996
8	Number of weddings attended
1900	Distance (in miles) for furthest (round-trip)
3	Distance (in blocks) for closest (round-trip)
77.4	Average number of days between the wedding and receipt of gift by the bride and groom
5	Number of "Belated Wedding Wishes" cards bought in single trip to Hallmark store
3	Number of weddings with an official duty (including such jobs as Groomsman, Usher, 1/6 of a sextet, destroyer of wedding vehicle, obnoxious single guy, Marcarena naysayer, etc.)
0	Divorces (projected)
0	Divorces (as of 12/16/96)
4	Confirmed weddings for calendar year '97
1	Number of garters caught/won
2	Number of garters should have been caught/won
5	Number of stitches resulting from aforementioned garter melee (kidding, kidding)
2.5	Number of funerals (based on a projection using the ratio from the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral)
0	Number of funerals (actual)

May Begins beer-belly softball career. While he decides that he cannot hit, cannot field ground balls, cannot throw more than 20 yards, cannot run down that line like he used to be able to, he can still shag down those fly balls like a major-leaguer.

June Drops eighth fly ball of the young season.

June Spends most of the month trying to convince local townsfolk that no, much to his amazement as well, that he is NOT related to Darin Erstad. Invites non-believers to watch him play softball sometime.

June Four Tori Amos concerts in four days. Wow. See Pictures!

Intermission 2: 1996 Quick Music Guide

Best Album	Screaming Trees, "Dust"
Worst Album	Bush, "Razorblade Suitcase"
Best Concert (non-Tori)	Bad Religion, 1^st Avenue, Minneapolis
Worst Concert	Bush/Goo-Goo Dolls/No Doubt, Fargodome
Best Office Album	Johnny Cash, "The Essential Johnny Cash vol. 3"
Best New Band	The Refreshments
Most Sped Airplay	Cowboy Junkies, "Lay it Down"
Biggest Disappointment	Metallica, "Load"
Nicest Surprise	The decline and fall of Hootie and the Blowfish

July One day, while feeling particularly smug and content with life, drafts a set of criteria for prospective employers: 1) Gotta be able to wear the House of Voodoo shirt and green corduroys without feeling uncomfortable. 2) Being 12 minutes late for work and staying 36 minutes late while in the middle of a task more than balances. 3) Hey, if I'm going to have a great idea at 1:30 AM on a Sunday morning, I have to have keys to my office and the trust that I'm not posting corporate secrets on the Internet. 4) Direct Internet Connection (that's computer geek talk for "Direct Internet Connection"). 5) Being able to listen to Metallica full blast while in the middle of a heavy coding session is a right, not a privilege. Decides that since Northern Prairie still meets or exceeds all criteria, he has no desire to leave any time soon.

August No longer afraid of the big 'C' word (Commitment), decides that indeed 24 is not too young to settle down and begin a new life with someone special. World, meet Sped's new 1996 Buick Skylark. By the writing of this letter four months later, the new car will have passed the 14,000 mile mark (not a misprint). How do you put 14,000 miles on a car in 4 months? "Just drive."

September After working on and off with wildlife biologists inside for four years, finally spends volunteer time on a real project - Countin' Ducks! For two fun weeks, night hours were spent learning how to band ducks, walk in waders, and yes, even tell the difference between a mallard and a blue-winged teal (although he didn't quite learn how to sex them yet!).

September What a great country. Write a few programs, design a decent web page or two, open a new checking account, and call yourself a small business owner. Erstad Computer and Internet Consulting is born.

November Severely sprains ankle while walking off a curb. Decides that since politics is 90% self-interest, seeks out a candidate who is most sympathetic to the Ankle-Injury Platform. Bob Dole, with his falling-down act, will have to suffice. Votes Republican.

November After 25 years of searching for an identity in this crazy world, finally watches the motion picture Shane.

1997 and Beyond:

Although indeed a prime number, the stars will most definitely shine favorably on young Sped in the New Year. What will the year hold in store? The start of a new career as an English scholar? Travel west to Silicon Valley to participate in the great computer Gold Rush of '97? Contemplation and musings leading to definitive answers about God, Religion, and the existence of a Soul? Settling into a simple life while remaining productive and non-stagnant? An IPO for Erstad Computer and Internet Consulting? 50,000 miles worth of road trips? I guess you'll just have to wait another two years for the next installment of the Sped Timeline. By the way, keep an eye out for strange happenings on August 20, 1997… especially if it rains………

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January	Wakes up in a bad mood that will last for, … well, pretty much most of 1995.
May	Gets a haircut and resigns from Great Plains Software in the same afternoon. Both actions were generally considered to be about three months past due.
June	How to deal with personal Internet addiction and dissatisfaction with current computer career: Become a Webmaster! Moves back to Jamestown, North Dakota and begins employment at Northern Prairie Science Center.
July	Some Guy: "I think I'm going to hit that guy." Keith: "Don't hit him; that's Sped." ……… Sped: "Keith, I think that guy back there hit me." Keith: "No that guy didn't hit you" … Looks at Sped … Keith: "Holy Cow Sped, I think that guy back there hit you." -- from "One Summer Too Many at Detroit Lake's Overhyped Underfun Independence Day Bash"
September	Decides that 70 hour work weeks are not that bad when working on a worthwhile project. Northern Prairie's World Wide Web page (www.npsc.nbs.gov) is officially announced to the free world.
October	Quite possibly the only person in America to have ever attended a professional production of Shakespeare's King Lear and a White Zombie concert in subsequent weekends.
November	Theory: Of all the years in one's life, the Prime Numbers are by far the worst. Sped is thankful to be turning 24.

January	The headlines: Government Shutdown in its 21^st Day. The truth: Sped caps off a marathon 21 day roadtrip that takes him to Wyoming, Wibaux, Minnesota, and all around. Spends time watching Pulp Fiction seven times, skiing the bumps, sleeping wherever the brown blanket and yellow pillow end up, and generally enjoying life for a change. Watches Headline News every day or so to see if the shutdown is over and he must finally report back to work.
February	Hamburger helper, $.99! Pizza Corners, 2 for $7! Mountain Dew, $4.99 a case! Who says young single guys don't know how to cook?
April	Realizes that he has lived at six different addresses in the previous 23 months. Current address: 1507 11^th Ave. NE, Apt. 21, Jamestown, ND 58401.

May	Begins beer-belly softball career. While he decides that he cannot hit, cannot field ground balls, cannot throw more than 20 yards, cannot run down that line like he used to be able to, he can still shag down those fly balls like a major-leaguer.
June	Drops eighth fly ball of the young season.
June	Spends most of the month trying to convince local townsfolk that no, much to his amazement as well, that he is NOT related to Darin Erstad. Invites non-believers to watch him play softball sometime.
June	Four Tori Amos concerts in four days. Wow. See Pictures!

July	One day, while feeling particularly smug and content with life, drafts a set of criteria for prospective employers: 1) Gotta be able to wear the House of Voodoo shirt and green corduroys without feeling uncomfortable. 2) Being 12 minutes late for work and staying 36 minutes late while in the middle of a task more than balances. 3) Hey, if I'm going to have a great idea at 1:30 AM on a Sunday morning, I have to have keys to my office and the trust that I'm not posting corporate secrets on the Internet. 4) Direct Internet Connection (that's computer geek talk for "Direct Internet Connection"). 5) Being able to listen to Metallica full blast while in the middle of a heavy coding session is a right, not a privilege. Decides that since Northern Prairie still meets or exceeds all criteria, he has no desire to leave any time soon.
August	No longer afraid of the big 'C' word (Commitment), decides that indeed 24 is not too young to settle down and begin a new life with someone special. World, meet Sped's new 1996 Buick Skylark. By the writing of this letter four months later, the new car will have passed the 14,000 mile mark (not a misprint). How do you put 14,000 miles on a car in 4 months? "Just drive."
September	After working on and off with wildlife biologists inside for four years, finally spends volunteer time on a real project - Countin' Ducks! For two fun weeks, night hours were spent learning how to band ducks, walk in waders, and yes, even tell the difference between a mallard and a blue-winged teal (although he didn't quite learn how to sex them yet!).
September	What a great country. Write a few programs, design a decent web page or two, open a new checking account, and call yourself a small business owner. Erstad Computer and Internet Consulting is born.
November	Severely sprains ankle while walking off a curb. Decides that since politics is 90% self-interest, seeks out a candidate who is most sympathetic to the Ankle-Injury Platform. Bob Dole, with his falling-down act, will have to suffice. Votes Republican.
November	After 25 years of searching for an identity in this crazy world, finally watches the motion picture Shane.